Written by Calin Zacharias Wynne.

Imagine waking up in 2021, reluctantly checking your withering facebook newsfeed looking for a glimmer of hope in humanity but to be greeted with your politically illiterate uncle obliviously sharing what can only be described as the human equivalent of a raging, vein-bursting erection relentlessly ejaculating the most disgusting form of self-loathing jizz, right in your unlucky face. I am of course talking about the infamous, establishment approved edgy-man, Jonathan Pie.

Tom Walker, better known as his renowned character Jonathan Pie has made a lucrative career and name for himself by doing nothing more than complaining endlessly about the wrongs of British society to a camera. Now don’t be fooled by this charlatan, you will seldom hear him talking about anything British in a good light, all he does is moan and bring down the collective moral of the nation. It’s important to bear this in mind as this ‘comedian’ has been wheeled out and conveniently interviewed countless times by all our state funded media outlets. He is clearly dominating a comedic vacuum that was created around the 2016 Brexit referendum. You would think that a man who excretes such negativity on social media would be perceived badly however, it’s quite the opposite. His fanbase can’t seem to drink enough of his blame-game coolaid. He has over 1.4 million loyal followers on Facebook alone and his videos can gather upwards of 10 million views each along with an impressive amount of reach and shares. The amount of positivity, praise and support this man gets got his character is shocking and should raise the alarm bells in the heads of any respectable parent who actually cares about social cohesion in our society. We don’t want to expose our children to rotten acts such as Pie who linger all over social media. This man has real and undeniable influence in the collective minds of the masses and thus we should be very concerned about men like him. The amount of times I’ve seen his videos shared and talked about in a good light by people on and offline is unsettling. Literally everyone has heard of him. He is awfully good at controlling the temperature when it comes to Facebook arguments. More importantly, I’ve noticed that he seems to fly under the radar from the critique of genuine intellectual political dissidents. His viral videos get very little push back if at all from the best of our people. I want to make this clear, Jonathan Pie is not a good man be it in the act he plays or the man himself. He has little respect for his audience and shows no gratitude for our great country.

His product is simplistic, effortless yet arguably genius. As soon as a controversial news story starts to break, he films a somewhat witty rant pretending to be the voice of ultimate reason whilst arguing with his ear piece (which he is ever so proud of). He will then insert himself on your social media…and this will be a result of your clueless uncle sharing it to your feed, because yes, he found it predictably hilarious. You can’t escape the presence of Pie on Facebook. Like a rashed and worn out penis that you dread to encounter on any dodgy Youtube to MP3 ripping website, he will appear abruptly- even when you are least expecting it. His predictable video format consists of showing up in a public space (usually a well-known landmark in the Former English capital of London) and pretending to play the role of a rogue tv presenter who can’t resist the urge to speak his version of the approved truth after his cheap intro act has finished. 

More often than not, the first and last 10 seconds of his videos will often have him acting as a genuine, professional and well mannered tv presenter. As soon as his go-to intro is over he erupts into his true character – an obnoxious and resentful man with nothing good or intellectual to say at all.

The video that really turned me against his project was his viral Facebook video “Put a F**king Mask On!” (I would strongly recommend people rewatch this video after reading this article so the context is clear) to summarise his video is not difficult. ‘Only virtuous people wear the mask and if you don’t you’re a selfish prick’ I don’t know what’s more unsettling, the message in the video or the fact that is has 136,000 shares on Facebook alone.

This is by no means his latest ‘work’ however it was undoubtedly a defining moment when it came to the widespread acceptance of the anti-mask shame culture that has taken over a large chunk of Facebook. In this short video he points his disingenuous finger toward anyone who rightfully chooses not to wear the dehumanising face mask. He calls them selfish arseholes who are out to kill people. He lit the fuse for the midwit mask fanatics and gave them the confidence to shame the British public who choose not to cover their face.

I know what your going to say, “just get off facebook it’s Soo 2016” and I’ll agree, Facebook is arguably a dinosaur platform but we can’t deny its prevailing appeal to the half-awake masses. The old and good people of our country still hang out on facebook and their vulnerable political opinions are shaped and manipulated by disingenuous bad actors like Jonathan. Your granny is most likely still on facebook and we’ve left her alone in very bad company. It’s on to us to now warn our family members about negative social media phenomenons such as Jonathan Pie.

His character comes across as being flamboyantly frustrated, a feeling which i can assure most people in the uk are feeling right now, be that for differing reasons. Disappointedly, his frustration resonates incredibly well with his pliable online audience however the root cause of his frustration couldn’t be further disconnected from actually reality. He effortlessly guides his audience to believe that we are not individual agents and that everything is always someone else’s fault. To make it worse, he offers little to no intelligent solutions to the problems he expresses in his shallow rants.

Can’t afford your train ticket? – it’s the fault of the government, not your spending habits.

Can’t access healthy food? – it’s the fault of the government, not your lazy eating habits

Feeling unfulfilled and depressed in life? It’s the fault of the government and you shouldn’t try any self-improvement. It is always the fault of the state in Jonathan’s eyes.

I could go on forever but i’m sure you get the point…

Blame and the deferral of personal responsibility is the core underlying message that Johnathan wants you to take away from his videos. He wants to stir up the worst emotions in us all whilst blaming others for all your failings and dissatisfaction in life. I want to make this clear, Jonathan pie is an aggravator disguised as a lazy yet seemingly witty comedian. He is constantly trying to stoke a critical mass of unsatisfied working to middle class people on social media by directing their miss-informed anger at the compromised Conservative government.

I’m not saying we shouldnt criticise or improve the government process. However, this attitude of endlessly blaming the state for our collective problems will only encourage people to kneel before and become dependent on the state. It could encourage a dangerous nudge toward socialism…

I truly believe the vast majority of people who follow and enjoy Jonathan Pie’s content are well meaning, down to Earth people who just want to resonate with someone that shares the same frustration for modern life in the UK.

I will admit, I have in the past found some parts of his videos vaguely amusing and in fairness he does point out a lot of valid criticisms of the faulty political decision making machine that is Westminster, specifically in his rant about HS2 – it was very relevant and just. But therein lies part of the problem. Jonathan pie is dangerously alluring to both sides of the political spectrum. He can seemingly appease the intellectual midwit on both the left and the right. His relatable character will try to direct your rightfully held anger over the covid crisis to all the wrong places. “Fed up with the lockdowns? Blame the twats who break the rules. In fact go a step further, tell them they are granny killing pieces of shit for not wearing a face mask”. The way he frames things is interesting, you will notice that he never sincerely encourages his audience to do their own independent thinking – he has to be the arbiter and director of what they are allowed to be outraged with. 

Furthermore, instead of blaming China and our awfully congested multicultural, melting-pot shithole cities for the ‘rapid’ outbreak of covid-19 in the UK, Pie has managed to divert all his audience’s attention to, you guessed it, the tories (not exactly a hard target in 2021). I will always be the first to criticise and point a finger at the tories, even on a good day but Jonathan’s pie’s lazy hatred for them has now crossed a dangerous line as we enter in to 2021. Our country is currently in big trouble but to edgy-man pie this is all just one big funny joke. If the UK was to go up in flames, Pie would sit back and make an unbearably smug video about how he was ‘right’. Complaining is easy, crafting solutions to complex problems is harder – something that pie will never do. He is essentially a vent chamber/cum bucket for social media. He doesn’t care the slightest about his country, his audience or even his own self-respect. His career thrives on the destruction and demoralisation of our nation and it’s people. You will never hear him make a genuinely funny joke in good faith, it’s always to stoke the red hot fires of social tension among Britain and all her inhabitants. 

He encourages the very worst of our character to surface, resentment and anger. It’s not healthy to consume. In the modern age, we can forgive ourselves when we steer our attention to figureheads who rant, it’s somewhat comforting.  It is however, lazy and addictive. Like fast food you’ll only be left wanting more.

Even looking at his work objectively, it’s not creative in the slightest. anyone can go on a relentless rant. I would encourage everyone to ignore this man and the bulk of his work, he will always leave you feeling a severe sense of post coital tristesse (look it up).

There is nothing unique about his comedic style yet the mainstream news outlets such as the BBC can’t get enough of him – even though he is supposedly taking the piss out of them in all his sketches? It’s rather suspicious to say the very least.

Now I’m not single handingly accusing Pie alone of starting a class war against the state, but his role in the mainstream social media realm is significant and it shouldn’t be overlooked. The only time i will ever wear the face mask will be in the presence of this man, he’s truly VILE and in my opinion is worse for our country than Covid-19.

I hate Jonathan Pie to an even greater extent than that of Thomas Baden-Reiss hating on Keith Woods. I absolutely hate Jonathan Pie and my final solution and only piece of adivice for him would be to fuck off to France where you rightfully belong. It’s ‘Brits’ like him that make me wish a Soviet Submarine would accidentally nuke itself in the entirety of the English Channel. We are done with Euro-cucked pied pipers like Pie who constantly belittling and undermining our own native workforce. We are British, we only complain about irrelevant, petty things such as the weather. Historically, when shit hits the fan, Britons are the last to complain. We strategically rise up and face things head-on. We will always look after ourselves, because we are not the French – the anglosphere can actually stand on it’s own two feet. 

There is nothing noble or glorious about watching men like Jonathan Pie go off on a cheap rant, at the expense of your nation. If you’re reading this article you are most likely a humble practitioner of nofap, discipline and self-respect. Gleefully watching a Jonathan Pie video is a sin that’s debatably worse than masturbating. It feels like an easy, cheap fix solution to your political distresses. However, it will leave you feeling drained and unmotivated to face the genuine troubles that lay ahead for us all.

In fact I’ll go a step further. If you’re a British man who regularly watches the likes of this man mock the sorry state of your country, you are a cuck. It’s the equivalent of watching a man-rat screw your girlfriend whilst you sit back laughing tears of self-loathing joy. No right minded, clear thinking man would disrespect himself or his woman like that.

I’ll briefly finish this article off on the subject of complaining. Weak men complain and yes, this is rich coming from me. I’m well aware that this entire article is me moaning about him without providing much constructive substance other than telling him to fuck off, so yes call me a hypocrite. In my mind, he is a tosser that should be hung for treason, or at the very least, deported to Birmingham. I don’t even need to bring up individual examples of his work – it’s all low-level basic garbage. Jonathan Pie embodies the absolute epitome of the complainer. Don’t laugh at his ‘work’, pity it with cringe. Don’t try to emulate or share his humour around your half-awake liberal friends in a lazy attempt to come across as somewhat politically reasonable. Instead, have unapologetic confidence that Britain will once again find her collective pride and raise it high through these challenging times. 

In my opinion, he has made himself out to be a prime target in the culture war for any true dissidents in 2021. Johnathan pie has a huge and ever growing fanbase of normal British people. If we keep ignoring the likes of Jonathan pie, dissidents will only become more of an intellectual minority.

The question is… Will you sit back and watch men like him subtly disgrace your Nation? Or will join the fight to stand up for the freedoms of your country in her darkest hours?

Jonathan pie is a wanker and has a first class ticket to hell.

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