Metatronic’s Lament

Written by Metatronic.

I think a lot of the stuff I laid out in my ‘Heroic Manifesto’ has come to pass, especially regarding the spergichal nature of the online right. Actual heroic energy is wanting in those areas that I thought actually held a modicum of hope. Now I see it may actually lie in the anti-lockdown mosh pit. And yet, do I dare dream?

I think I’ve learnt a lot of things about myself, as well as the people around me, in these past six months.

For one, I’ve learnt not to trust the opinions of any of the people around me, because there are basically no good opinions to be found anywhere in your day to day life.

On the flipside of this, I’ve learnt to truly value the people around me –  all my loved ones provide me with a divinely nourishing relationship. I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Sadly, I think these relationships are too often traded in for seemingly valuable but actually worthless online ideology points.

However, perhaps the most important thing I’ve learnt is how important it is to steel yourself. You must be fully prepared to argue with those valuable people when the time is right, but know when to leave it alone and retain the truth within yourself. Live to fight another day, so to speak.

I’d like to think these were profound lessons that I could impart onto those who perhaps have yet to realise them. However, the nature of this article is not to celebrate those pockets of resistance within you. In reality, all the lessons I think I’ve learnt seem to lead to a stasis – one pushes one way, one pushes back, and one arguably does nothing.

Rather, I think I’ve grown to truly hate it all.

Truth, comfort, love. At one point I thought these things were not mutually exclusive, and that once you had your network everything else just fell into place.

I used to think that once. I used to think a lot of things once.

Now all I think about is when the next lie will come knocking at my door like a stalker in the night, baiting me for a reaction so I can give a piece of myself up and show it to the world.

I feel at once drained and energised, as though my soul is trying to leave my body but leaving my muscles, my strength behind.

I love truth but hate it’s sting. I love those dear to me but loathe their opinions, their ability to just adapt to their environment like water in a petri dish. I love the British people, but lord, give me the strength to forgive them for their crimes against themselves!

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, really. I am perhaps writing to purge myself of the rage I feel, to hoist it up to a flagpole I feel may be saluted by others.

Perhaps I’m attempting to articulate points already said online, but points seldom discussed in my day to day life.

In truth, I’m just tired. I never wanted any of this. I only ever wanted to dedicate my life to writing. Now I feel I’ll barely have the energy outside of working full time whilst raging against the vaccine to drum up a few measly sketches.

I feel as though the New World Order has press-ganged me into being a foot soldier for the opposition, the dissidents. I know when the fight is over and they win, I’ll be doomed to be the ‘controversial one’ at every socially distanced dinner party. A social sideshow.

I’ll keep fighting because it is right. I will keep resisting because it is right. I’ll keep writing because I can do nothing else.

But, I want you all to know this – I am so very fucking tired.

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