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Matt Hancock’s Excruciating Adventure

Written by Samurai Robots.

The Sun newspaper reported this week that our “fucking hopeless” Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, has been cheating on his wife by having a secret affair with his closest aide, Gina Something-or-other. Hancock was caught on CCTV in a passionate clinch with the 43-year-old lobbyist and millionaire, whom he hired last year on taxpayers’ money.

Bumping more than elbows, allegedly

A British politician having an affair with an adult human female seems almost wholesome at this point. As far as we know, the fling was consensual, there were no children involved, at least not directly, no hard drugs, and the lady in question was alive, and not a farmyard animal (cough David Cameron cough). It’s all positively quaint by modern standards.

Politicians with dubious love lives are nothing new. Boris Johnson, Hancock’s boss and a man who himself might well clinch the title of “the Harvey Weinstein of British Politics”, were it not for Alex Salmond, isn’t really in a position to preach. Labour’s Keith Vaz was infamously known for cocaine-fuelled “romps” with rent-boys, although he was eventually suspended from the party. Stephen Milligan, a Tory MP who died in 1994 during a bizarre act of autoerotic asphyxiation, deserves an honourable mention: according to Wikipedia, his “corpse was found naked except for a pair of stockings and suspenders, with an electrical flex tied around his neck, a black bin liner over his head and an orange in his mouth”. So, suspended in suspenders then. Yikes.

Still a better love story than Twilight

Nevertheless, if rumours are to be believed, these guys are probably just the rotten tip of a particularly putrid iceberg. That said, compared to American politics, where the drug-taking and depravity is off the charts and the media is complicit, we Brits are but clumsy amateurs. Sex scandals and corruption are practically a requirement for US politicians, Republican or Democrat. Human nature may change one day, but my advice is don’t hold your breath (and definitely put the bin liner down).

“Man’s wickedness is now such that men are more ashamed of chastity than of lechery.”

Augustine of Hippo, Sermons 1-19, around 400 AD

Now, I am not sure I want to know the sordid details of Matt Handjob’s conquests here, but I do have some questions. Did he employ this lady, his friend from university, in exchange for sexual favours? Bear in mind, I’m not saying that he did or that he didn’t. What kind of power do these women, Gina Coladangelo, Jennifer Arcuri, etc have over our leaders? Might there be a risk of blackmail? Being a government minister and dishing out lucrative contracts to your mates is quite an important job, might running around having illicit trysts with colleagues have diverted his attention from the vital task of destroying our country and freedoms to make a quick quid?

Hanky Panky?

Maybe all of this is a psy-op to distract us from something more sinister – The Great Reset? A coming war with Russia? Maybe it was just a simple affair. Perhaps the heroic Hancock has to fight off female attention on a daily basis and the temptation finally got to him. Perhaps if it wasn’t for Covid, no one outside of Hancock’s immediate circle would have batted an eyelid, except maybe a vengeful Dominic Cummings. Unfortunately for Hancock, there is the very, very small matter of the NATIONAL FUCKING LOCKDOWN to consider.

No sex, please, we’re British

Under lockdown rules – pushed on us by none other than Matt Hancock, I might remind you – we are all supposed to stay at home and observe social distance protocols – under threat of arrest. Meeting your friends, nope. Seeing your girlfriend, absolutely verboten. Hugging at a funeral or visiting your dying mother in hospital, are you ‘avin’ a laugh mate? It turns out, yet again, that it’s no rules for them and quite another set of rules for us vile plebs. The arrogance is staggering.

Other Tories tried to say that such private matters are none of our concern, but that too, is utter bullshit. Hancock is a habitual deceiver – he no doubt lied to the mother of his three children and he lied to the country. His mistress and his wife even knew each other from social events and were Facebook friends. The sad thing is that he’s not good at lying, or even very bright – how the fuck did he think he was going to get away with this when members of the press follow him around all day every day?

A barefaced liar, an adulterer, and a dumb-ass walk into a bar…

Hancock is not the first of our elites to shit all over the rules. Professor Neil Ferguson, whose Covid model predicted we were all going to die unless a country-wide house arrest was imposed, repeatedly violated his own lockdown rules in order to shag his married girlfriend. In fact, Hancock himself suggested Ferguson’s actions were a matter for the police, the memory of which may now well raise a cheeky smile on the good Professor’s no doubt uncovered face. If Hancock is not punished over this, all previous sanctions against rule-breakers should be rescinded, fines returned, and compensation given out: not to do so would be the height of hypocrisy.

Hancock and Bojo are not the only hypocrites though, at the recent G7 summit, we saw various world leaders hugging without masks, or indeed a worry in the world. For the slow-to-understand, these people are STUPID, CONCEITED, CARELESS LIARS who don’t believe their own bullshit. At the end of the day, I’m well past caring who our politicians have sex with. No doubt 90% or more of them have some skeletons in their closet, hopefully just metaphorically. I just want someone in charge who isn’t actively trying to destroy the English people, which rules Labour right out, in case you were wondering.

Knives Out

Okay, breaking news, time to rewrite my final thoughts here, a not-very-contrite Hancock has finally been forced to fall on his sword (“he wants to put his family first”, as one Tory dead-panned by way of explanation). All this despite Boris’s initial attempts to shield him. It seems strange that Boris read the room so badly, but who knows what goes on behind the scenes? My first reaction was to wonder if Hancock had something highly incriminating on Bojo, or possibly his soul in a jar, although we think Carrie Symonds has that. Maybe Boris simply saw Hancock as a human target dummy for the purpose of drawing aggro from the shit-flinging mobs. He will probably be back at some point, à la Priti Patel. Yay.

The new HelSec is Sadiq Khan’s mate, Sajid Javid, who’s creepy even by Tory standards. Javid should be more or less immune to media criticism because he’s a poor, helpless PoC whose dad was a bus driver or something, plus he can blame everything on the hapless Hancock. I hope they’ve done some due diligence and checked his cellar for dead bodies. Boris might also want to have someone surreptitiously delete all the CCTV footage from parliament too. Ultimately though, as amusing and unsurprising as all this has been, I still have two questions: one, how bad do things have to get before we start to make some changes, and, two, how on earth is Dominic Cummings going to pass the days now?

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