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Just Deserts: Speed-Running to Sharia in Kabul

Written by Samurai Robots.

Anger

Just yesterday, I saw an angry feminist on the BBC – “No!” you may scoff, but it’s true – who was upset that the Taliban have all but taken over Afghanistan following the flight of the occupying US forces. While it is of course more than likely that Afghan women will now have to wear burkas and no longer be allowed to go to school, or leave the house, etc, on pain of being shot several times in the head and having to move to England and write books, the Taliban take-over should actually bring many benefits that our feminists ought to welcome.

Was all that Critical Race Theory for nothing?

Diverse

Firstly, the Taliban are a pretty diverse bunch. There are basically no white guys at all within their ranks, as far as I can tell. They may be barbarians who appear to have never taken a bath in their entire lives, but they’re definitely not pale, stale males. Diversity equals strength, especially when you’re now in possession of millions of dollars’ worth of abandoned US military hardware. We all know that racism is the worst possible evil, and that only White people can be racist, so, by that logic, a de-colonized Afghanistan should soon be a paradise for PoC.

Our former friends, then enemies… soon to be friends again?

Oppressed

Secondly, I can’t believe I even have to say this, but being against the Taliban is Islamophobic, simple as. Muslims are an oppressed minority and must be protected. Sure, they do have a few cultural quirks that we find odd, such as stoning people to death, child marriage and what not, but that’s just your Western bias speaking. Anyway, it would be extremely hypocritical to criticise the Taliban for chopping people’s limbs off when our arms-buying, oil-selling friends in Saudi Arabia do much the same things. Saudi Arabia even sit on the UN women’s rights commission, why not invite the Taliban too?

No more sexist ads, hooray!

Covid safe

Following the covid pandemic, many of us have had to adjust to the work from home lifestyle, along with the loss of many of our freedoms. Our children have also had to cover their faces with masks while at school, or learn through lessons delivered via Zoom, so I think it’s fair to say we’re all essentially in the same boat here. Afghan ladies may be confined to their houses now that the Taliban are back in charge, or used as sex slaves, but at least they’ll be safe from the coof, which, after all, is the main threat here.

Will the Taliban agree to vaccinate the people?

Girl Power

If any remaining lesbian rad-fem types are still irate about the Taliban taking charge, they could always get together and go and fight them. After all, women – and all the other genders – can join the military now, I don’t see why they wouldn’t leap at the chance to lead a counter-insurgency campaign from deep within the Tora Bora mountains, and do it better than the men did. It wouldn’t even be that hard given the rather low bar set by the American chaps (and us). Failing that, Megan Rapinoe or whoever could go and explain to the Taliban how their medieval treatment of women is an enormous microaggression.

I don’t know what the “I” stands for, but it’s probably haram.

Tragic

It really doesn’t matter how many pictures of sad or dead Afghan children the BBC wants to show me, I don’t want them here because I know that they’ll be much better off away from imperialist White-supremacist countries like the UK. When you think about it, it’s pretty vile that we attempted to force our heinous Western patriarchal cultural values of freedom, democracy, and regular bathing upon the Afghans in the first place. Still, 2001 was a different time and we have all learned a lot since then.

My shock is unimaginable

Brilliant

In conclusion, Joe Biden is a trustworthy leader with a clear strategic vision; we ought to be very grateful to him for carrying out the withdrawal so smoothly, unlike that oaf, Trump, who surely would have botched the whole thing. God bless Joe for finally restoring the self-determination of the noble Afghan people and ensuring their freedom to live under a vicious dictatorship. Truly, I am excited to see what the future holds for Afghanistan, especially when the Chinese move in next week.

“Get to the choppa!”

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